“Peace is not the absence of conflict.  It is the ability to handle conflict by peaceful means”  – Ronald Regan.

Do you ever find yourself reacting rather than responding?   Most of us would agree, that what we want more than anything in our lives is a sense of harmony and loving relationships with our family and friends.  However miscommunication and misinterpretations of a situation can set people off and before you know  you can find yourself reacting rather than responding.  So what is the difference?

If we find ourselves reacting then generally we are either blaming ourselves or the other person for whatever is going on.  This can result in a lot of hurt feelings or put us or the other person on the defensive.  When we are responding then we are taking a step back, a breath, a pause to reflect on how we choose to respond so as not to cause further confusion or conflict.  In other words we take responsibility for what we are putting out in the world.  The latter might also require us to consider our intentions in our relationships. For example, do we want to fight or do we want to find ways to cooperate and connect.? 

The truth is that it is not always easy to hold back from acting out when we feel activated (Gottman Institute, 2019).   It is human nature to slip back into familial ways of communicating even when we know they are not useful.  However, with a little willingness we can all learn the skills to self soothe, to pause and take responsibility for our part in a relationship.  Here is a tool that can facilitate calm both within ourselves and for those around us helping us to handle our intense emotions in a kind and loving way.

Step one:  Notice what you are feeling.  This could include thoughts, emotions and disturbing sensations in the body.

Step two:  Name the thoughts and feelings  Taking some time to write down what you are thinking and feeling about a situation can be very helpful and bring some spaciousness (and patience) to feel rather than react. 

Step three.  Bring some kindness to this reaction until the annoyance or frustration starts to dissipate.  If this is hard for you then putting one hand on your heart and easing the feelings with the energy of your heart can also help to soften and soothe your stance towards the situation.

Repeat as necessary!

When you do find yourself reacting (and we all do) please be gentle with yourself.  Close relationships can trigger some pretty difficult stuff.  Also at times,  our “window of tolerance” (Dan Siegal) to feel and emotionally regulate Is limited due to past traumas or an inability to feel safe within.   If this is the case please consult with a licensed professional who is trauma informed and can assist you with emotional regulation.   The Jersey Psychology and Wellbeing Service, May 2020 also has an excellent article on this subject.

I am currently in the process of updating my website and blog and so in the meantime, Viviane’s Musings are being posted seasonally as this process gets underway..

As always, if you have any questions or concerns please do not hesitate to contact me.

In the meantime, much love.

Vivianne