You have to feel it to heal it: The only way out is through

Hayley Magee

Have you ever observed children on the playground, or your own young children.?  It is amazing to watch them go from laughter to crying in a matter of seconds, or a temper tantrum to full blown giggles and kisses within a few minutes. When my daughter was a young child I loved hearing her and her friends play with shrieks of delight and aliveness.  There were also conflicts, tears and angry outbursts but if you didn’t get too much in the way they seemed to have a way of resolving themselves.  Many of us, however, got scolded for those very experiences, or taught to be quiet or felt we had to dim down our intensity in order to be accepted and loved.  I am sure many of you can relate.

As adults, therefore,  we can hold a lot of judgement around feeling and expressing so called negative emotions such as anger and sadness.    Or depending on your culture , feeling any intense emotions at all.  We come to a therapy session sometimes to “feel better”  not always understanding that the main way to “feel better” is actually to allow ourselves to connect and embrace whatever we are in fact living and feeling.   Feelings are energy, and energy is not negative or positive (Dr. Sue Morter, 2022).

Over the last few decades, there has been an increased spotlight on the “mind-body” connection.  The fact is that we live in a body and therefore whatever we are experiencing e.g. trauma, abuse, heartache, betrayal is also registered in our body.  A series of studies over the last few decades show that suppressing our emotions does affect your body and mind  (Havard School of Public Health, 2013; 2019).  Suppressing our emotions such as anger and frustration can lead to physical stress on our bodies.  Victoria Tarratt, a clinical psychologist from one of the  studies reports “we know that it can affect blood pressure, memory and self-esteem”.   And “longer term there is an increased risk of diabetes and heart disease”.    Physical pain has also been linked to suppressed emotion.

Learning to navigate strong emotions can be challenging.  However one of the first steps is a willingness to embrace and accept whatever we are feeling with no judgement.  Just asking ourselves “what am I feeling?” and writing it down or exploring the feeling with another person is helpful.  We need to encourage ourselves and others to feel our pain and grief entirely not gloss over it.  This can include the “felt sense” in our bodies.   If we are busy or in a work situation we might want to put our feelings aside until we can be with them more fully but that is not the same as avoiding or suppressing them. 

Emotional intelligence refers to the ability to identify and regulate our emotions.  We may all find this difficult, at times, however, the good news is that we can all learn the skills necessary to improve our emotional intelligence.

On another note, I am currently working on a new website and a blog “Vivianne’s Musings” will be sent out seasonally while this process is underway. 

Wishing you a glorious summer.

Much love,

Vivianne