How are you all doing?  This is one of my favourite times of year.  Even though we still have snow on the ground, it feels like spring is very close by.  The days are longer.  I can see buds on the trees and shrubs outside my home.  Birds have returned to the trees basking in the warmer sunlight and air.

In my last musing, we explored the importance of cultivating safe relationships in our lives.  You know the ones!  The ones where it is safe to show up as our messy, imperfect, creative selves and where we are appreciated rather than judged for who we are.  This musing I wanted to look at a related subject: boundary setting.

The topic of boundaries in relationships is an important one.  Knowing our limits and being able to communicate and negotiate differing opinions, agendas etc. can be challenging and is an ongoing practice.  Sometimes setting a boundary is easy and natural.  We are busy and can’t do something so it is an easy no.  Other times it becomes more complicated, especially in the relationships close to us.

If you have experienced any kind of trauma e.g. harsh punishment from a parent or authority figure you might have learnt at a very young age that it is not ok to express your needs.   Or you may find yourself confused as to what your rights actually are.  When faced with boundary violations as an adult you may feel overwhelmed and exhausted as you struggle to identify how you truly feel about a situation.  Please have compassion for yourself in that process and take the time you need to gain clarity.  It might be necessary for you to give yourself permission to care for yourself in that way.  At times it might not be clear if you want to say yes or no to something.  You might have even agreed to something and find later you feel that you agreed to something that you now regret.  If this is the case, it is often not too late to go back and reconsider the agreement.

Some points of reflection:

• Do you know your yes’s and your nos?
• Tune into your body and the myriad of feelings.
• Are you comfortable disappointing another?
• Are you able to express how you feel directly?
• Do you give yourself permission to find a solution that includes you?
• How do you feel when others set boundaries with you?  Do you respect how they feel or take it personally?

If you are not sure how you feel about a particular situation, take the time to tune into your feelings.  That may require journaling or talking it through with a friend or trusted mentor.  Life is not always black and white and especially in the realm of relationships there are many different ways of perceiving things.  You might also find yourself wanting to please someone. E.g. they want to go to an expensive concert but you don’t want to spend the money on that activity.

Boundaries are not meant to prevent care between you and another.  They are mostly intended as a communication tool and helps to let everyone know where they stand.  Boundaries do not need to be rigid and work best when there is flexibility.  I might agree to something in one set of circumstances but not be able to agree to it in another.  In that way we can take the time to consider all the information.

Being able to set a boundary is not the same as putting up a barrier.  When we put up a barrier between ourselves and the other person, we are probably shutting someone out.  In these scenarios we close our hearts and become defensive.  We might then find ourselves afraid.  When we can set a boundary there is no need for defense.  We can communicate from a clear and loving place where we are taking care of ourselves and the other person by communicating authentically.

Be gentle with yourself as you explore this topic and how it relates to your life.  Even if you are generally great at setting boundaries and communicating, some circumstances might come up where you might be pressed to find a solution that works for all.  Trust that if the answer does not come right away that there is a way even if it is not fully formed right now.  Sometimes we need to let go a bit and let life bring us its wisdom.

Have a great month everyone,

Much love,

Vivianne

Today I paid a visit to one of my favourite grocery stores “The National” in Westmount Village.  Like many of the stores these days, they are requesting customers to either bring their own bags or buy one from the store.  I did not have a bag with me so I asked them to supply me with one.  I was given a lovely solid plastic reusable bag with a big green sign across it that said “Respect the Environment”.   Later in the day I was walking along the street and I saw a woman wearing a t shirt with the words “Respect Above Else” boldly written across her chest.   Ok, I thought, the universe is clearly getting my attention and so the topic of my musing today.

There are many who believe, and I am one of them, that our relationship with the earth and how we see our connection to this beautiful planet which we inhabit is very much a reflection of how we treat ourselves. We don’t have to go far to consider the ways that pollution, disrespecting and trashing the precious resources that we have been gifted is affecting all of us.  For example, we all know that without water we cannot survive yet for many years we have ignored this truth, allowing these waters to be poisoned and harmed by our reckless behaviour.  Yes, we are waking up to all this and, for sure, there is much we can do to reverse the damage but it can only happen if we hold “water” in its highest regard truly valuing the role it plays in our lives.   It also requires us to place Nature as a more important commodity than money.

In my work, I see the way I can contribute to this honouring of nature and the environment is by holding the space for others to come back to a right relationship with themselves.   Basically, to love and honour ourselves for the beautiful creation that we are.  This in turn will translate naturally into how we treat others and our natural habitat.  After all, when we hold ourselves in the highest regard, we care what we put into our bodies, how we spend our precious time and energy and what thoughts and beliefs we hold about ourselves.  Our feelings are met with love rather than something to be ignored, rejected or dumped on others.    We now know that the ways we respond to different situations can affect our health and wellbeing more than we have previously thought.

Consider the work of Lynne McTaggert who wrote the book “The Intention Experiment”.   There is much evidence that holding a heartfelt intention can do much to facilitate healing.  Contrary it is thought that when we worry or live in fear we are likely to be creating an inner environment of stress and contraction.  We have many tools at our disposal to create more ease and harmony within and most involve relaxing the mind and connecting with our feelings so something more spacious can emerge; breathwork, meditation, journaling, tapping, bodywork can facilitate this process just to name a few.

Caring about our emotional ecology is good for all.  Our job is to take these simple truths and apply them to our lives.

Much love, everyone!

Vivianne

Hello Everyone,

Hope you are all having a beautiful month. One of the questions that often comes up around relationships is how to stay calm when we are feeling triggered and reactive. Most of us want warm loving connections with our partners, children and friends, however, despite our best intentions we can feel triggered resulting in anger and disconnection. So how can we best work with this?

The first step is to acknowledge our feelings and be willing to take 100% responsibility for them. The other person may have been the catalyst for these feelings but only we can decide how we are going to respond to them. There is a great temptation many times to blame the other person for what we are feeling and hoping if they will change then our feelings will change. But in doing so, we place the power outside of ourselves which results in us feeling like a victim and powerless to make the changes we would like. Instead, if we can just take a moment to just acknowledge the hurt, the sadness, the anger or whatever else we are feeling we can learn to take care of ourselves in any situation.

Sometimes journaling about what we are feeling can help us to gain clarity about why we are being triggered and how we generally feel in this particular relationship. Holding and embracing the hurt parts of ourselves can go a long way. We can take the time also to breathe into our feelings, softening and allowing ourselves to feel the full extent of what is transpiring for us. In general, we want to be able to use our relationships as a means of healing, to stay open hearted to learn from them. If we become reactive and have a tendency to blame others, we might instead become defensive, shut down and build a wall between us and the other person.

Love is something we all want to give and receive. Seeking the ways that we can stay connected to ourselves and others provide us with the best way to show up as the love that we are.

Much love,

Vivianne

Hello Everyone,

Many years ago I studied a method of communication called “Non Violent Communication”  by Marshall Rosendberg.  One of the main messages of this form of communication is the idea that we alone are responsible for taking care of our feelings.  In his book Rosenberg states “What others do may be the stimulus of our feelings, but not the cause”.  In some ways the idea that we can take responsibility for what we are feeling is a great one.  Since we never have the power to change or control what someone else is thinking and feeling, this concept  returns our power where it belongs….inside us.  The bad news is that we have no one to blame for what we are feeling and, at times, it may feel incredibly difficult just to be with what we are experiencing.  However, if we do give ourselves the space and opportunity to feel what we are feeling without the need to lash out or blame anyone else (including ourselves) we are also giving ourselves the chance to experience immense emotional liberation    I believe most of us are searching for ways to be more emotionally free in our lives and in our relationships with others.

Non violent communicaton is just one book that can be used to facilitate the process of emotional liberation.  As many of you know, I also love the tool of Emotional Freedom Technique which is very accessible and helpful when we feel stuck or overwhelmed by what we are experiencing.  However, simple intentional breathing or journaling are also excellent tools.

It sometimes feels like a luxury just to take some time out to breathe and feel.  However, maybe it is not such a luxury but an essential part of a healthy life.

Have a great November everyone,

Much love,

Vivianne