Setting Boundaries
How are you all doing? This is one of my favourite times of year. Even though we still have snow on the ground, it feels like spring is very close by. The days are longer. I can see buds on the trees and shrubs outside my home. Birds have returned to the trees basking in the warmer sunlight and air.
In my last musing, we explored the importance of cultivating safe relationships in our lives. You know the ones! The ones where it is safe to show up as our messy, imperfect, creative selves and where we are appreciated rather than judged for who we are. This musing I wanted to look at a related subject: boundary setting.
The topic of boundaries in relationships is an important one. Knowing our limits and being able to communicate and negotiate differing opinions, agendas etc. can be challenging and is an ongoing practice. Sometimes setting a boundary is easy and natural. We are busy and can’t do something so it is an easy no. Other times it becomes more complicated, especially in the relationships close to us.
If you have experienced any kind of trauma e.g. harsh punishment from a parent or authority figure you might have learnt at a very young age that it is not ok to express your needs. Or you may find yourself confused as to what your rights actually are. When faced with boundary violations as an adult you may feel overwhelmed and exhausted as you struggle to identify how you truly feel about a situation. Please have compassion for yourself in that process and take the time you need to gain clarity. It might be necessary for you to give yourself permission to care for yourself in that way. At times it might not be clear if you want to say yes or no to something. You might have even agreed to something and find later you feel that you agreed to something that you now regret. If this is the case, it is often not too late to go back and reconsider the agreement.
Some points of reflection:
- Do you know your yes’s and your nos?
- Tune into your body and the myriad of feelings.
- Are you comfortable disappointing another?
- Are you able to express how you feel directly?
- Do you give yourself permission to find a solution that includes you?
- How do you feel when others set boundaries with you? Do you respect how they feel or take it personally?
If you are not sure how you feel about a particular situation, take the time to tune into your feelings. That may require journaling or talking it through with a friend or trusted mentor. Life is not always black and white and especially in the realm of relationships there are many different ways of perceiving things. You might also find yourself wanting to please someone. E.g. they want to go to an expensive concert but you don’t want to spend the money on that activity.
Boundaries are not meant to prevent care between you and another. They are mostly intended as a communication tool and helps to let everyone know where they stand. Boundaries do not need to be rigid and work best when there is flexibility. I might agree to something in one set of circumstances but not be able to agree to it in another. In that way we can take the time to consider all the information.
Being able to set a boundary is not the same as putting up a barrier. When we put up a barrier between ourselves and the other person, we are probably shutting someone out. In these scenarios we close our hearts and become defensive. We might then find ourselves afraid. When we can set a boundary there is no need for defense. We can communicate from a clear and loving place where we are taking care of ourselves and the other person by communicating authentically.
Be gentle with yourself as you explore this topic and how it relates to your life. Even if you are generally great at setting boundaries and communicating, some circumstances might come up where you might be pressed to find a solution that works for all. Trust that if the answer does not come right away that there is a way even if it is not fully formed right now. Sometimes we need to let go a bit and let life bring us its wisdom.
Have a great month everyone,
Much love,
Vivianne
