I hope you are all keeping well while we navigate the many phases of quarantine life.

A common theme in the conversations that I have been having among clients, friends, family and online colleagues is the palpable experience of emotional ups and downs.  One day we might be enjoying the pause and feel life is generally going well and the next day we might notice that we are tired, needing to rest and feel a deep sense of overwhelm.  We might also be aware of the many mixed emotions we can encounter in any given day.   For example, we could feel grief when we watch the news or hear about the difficult life circumstances of someone, but then gratitude or joy for the sense of relief of being at home, safe and sound.  Having mixed emotions is nothing to be feared or feel wrong about.  It is part of the blessed messy human experience.  However there is a part of us that tends to like to control and categorize things into good or bad and the idea of mixed emotions can be troubling and even feel wrong.  Grief is very present right now in our society and a sense of vulnerability might just be hovering there in the background no matter how our circumstances might be.

Being with our feelings rather than running or distracting ourselves from them can be especially freeing at this time.  Feelings just want to be felt.   Whatever we might suppress or repress in ourselves has a tendency to build up and create stress and discomfort.   However if we can gently breathe and lean into whatever arises, we might find that our feelings start to dissipate and might even impart the wisdom of why they were there in the first place.  There is no need to fear our emotions.  They are like waves that come and go and eventually return to flow with the ocean that holds them.  Learning to surf with these waves can be a liberating and beautiful thing.

If you or your loved ones are needing some extra support,  I am listing some of the resources I have come across that can be especially helpful.

Resources:

The Association for Comprehensive Energy Psychology: Resources for Resilience
Heartmath Institute: Heartmath tools (listed under Resources)
Tara Brach: Facing pandemic fears with an awake heart.

Wishing you all health and very much love,

Vivianne

“What is the most generous assumption you can make about a person’s intentions.” Brene Brown”

While I learnt many things in my years of studying I think one of the most useful has been the notion of hypothesis testing.  Probably many of you have studied research methods or the scientific enquiry and have had an opportunity to generate hypotheses around a particular topic.  It is the scientific way to methodically test out our assumptions and get closer to the truth.

Our mind is filled with many thoughts and stories.  In any given moment, some of them may have to do with our experience and our life and many may not.  They may be coming from other people, or even from our ancestors.  Trying to figure out what is true and what is not can be a daunting experience.  The good things is we actually don’t need to hypothesis test each thought and belief.  The main thing is not get caught up in believing that the mind knows the truth about a situation.

Unfortunately, our brains’ have a tendency to register negative experiences more than pleasant experiences. (Kendra Cherry, 2019; Gillian Leithman, 2019).  This psychological phenomenon explains why, in our human relationships, past traumas can have such long lasting effects and that when we have had a negative interaction with someone we might remember it longer than a pleasant one.  Brene Brown calls our tendency to jump to a worst case scenario a “shitty first draft”.    You know that draft that you write first and then rewrite and rewrite.  Often the finished product looks very different from that first draft.  Well same thing with the mind.  So what are some of the ways we can handle our minds ‘ negative bias and its tendency to jump to conclusions.

1. The first step would be to take a moment to focus on the heart or the breath to quiet the mind. From this place we can ask ourselves “Is what I am thinking true?”
2. Taking it a step further we could ask, “How do I know it is true”
3. How else can I see this situation? What else is possible here? This is where we might want to generate other hypotheses.
4. Understand that sometimes you might get an inner knowing as to what is true and other times you just won’t know. Become more comfortable in the not knowing without the need to come to hasty conclusions.
5. If it feels possible check out your assumption with the person involved.

Another great resource for this kind of enquiry is Byron Katie and her school “The Work”.

If you have any questions, as always, please feel free to email me.

Have a great month everyone.

Much love,

Vivianne

Happy New Year and welcome to 2019.

“True happiness is being faithful to your true nature. The better you know yourself—what it is you love, what inspires you, what you are made of—the happier you will be.”
Robert Holden

What do you love? How do you love? How do you protect that which you love?.

Earlier on in my life I did not know how it would feel to experience and create a life that I loved. I did not know myself well enough to know what I loved and what in life really moved and touched me. I thought love was something one experienced outside of oneself. In therapy and through other explorations, I started to connect with my true self and begun to make choices based on an inner compass rather than on what I thought I ought to be doing. I saw that just by making simple shifts to saying yes to some things and no to others that my quality of life improved.

We live in a world where there are many distractions that can steer us away from connecting to our lives from a place of heart and authentic expression. If we let our minds rather than our hearts lead the way we can come up with rather a long list of shoulds and demands of what our lives are supposed to be like.

The beginning of the year offers an opportunity for a reset. A chance to rededicate ourselves to that which we know truly matters and what we most want to cherish and protect. Many studies have found that the most single important indicator of life satisfaction is found when we follow our joy. However “joy” is not always about lofty goals and ideals. Sometimes “joy” can be found in the way we show up and connect to the present moment.

For example, simply starting my day with a short meditation and taking care of my inner experience of life can have tremendous impact on how I feel and how my day unfolds. Some of our loves might show up on a more social and global level. I am especially inspired by nature and love water in all its shapes and forms. I love being by water and in the water. I love what water represents, i.e. flow, emotions, the essence of life itself. In the past year, I felt moved to consider ways to get more involved in protecting the earth’s water. I found some beautiful organizations to collaborate with and contribute to in a way that is allowing me to protect something that I love.

So this month, I invite you to ponder, what do you love, are you engaged in what you love and how do you protect more that which you love? And maybe most importantly, are you expressing the love that you already are!!

If you are wondering how to live your life with more heart, you might want to check out the Heart Math Institute website. A great resource for living from the heart.

Have a great month everyone.

With much love,

Vivianne

Hello Everyone,

In my last blog we begun an inquiry into the nature of aliveness and the blocks that might show up to prevent our connection to the aliveness that is within each one of us in every moment.

At times we can get distracted by our thoughts, others around us or our to do lists which keep us in our heads rather than in our bodies and hearts.  However, if we take a moment to connect to our breath, to our energy and the sensations in our bodies we can notice the pulse of life moving through us in every moment.

One of the main blocks to us feeling more alive and thus living life fully is our resistance to our emotions.  Any time we avoid feeling we are running from life itself.  Any time we suppress or judge our feelings we create blockages in our energy and in our bodies.  It does not necessarily mean that we will like everything we feel but we will feel more connected and more alive when we can be and embrace our whole selves.

Emotions are so often misunderstood (Raphael Cushnir).   Inherently there are no negative or positive feelings.  Emotions are just energy in motion.  However when we judge what we are feeling as wrong or make a story about them we stop the natural flow.  Often we don’t want to feel our sadness, or our anger because we think it says something about us.  For example, we might tell ourselves, f I am angry with someone then it means I must not be a loving person or no one will love me.  That is an example of a story.  Everyone feels sadness and anger sometimes and the important thing is to allow ourselves to feel it fully.  When we do often we can access important insights and wisdom that can lead to true healing.

One only has to observe young children for guidance.  They move easily from one emotional state to another.  Laughing one minute and throwing a temper tantrum the next.  Adults sometimes judge these states as good or bad.  It is good if our children are happy but not so good if they are angry or upset.  This is a false dichotomy and does nothing to allow for the integration of our wholeness which lies beyond the thinking mind.   We might want to help our children regulate their emotions and express them if they are at a particular age.  But that is different from judgement or fear that there is something wrong with them if they show up in a particular way.

So how do we practice feeling and become aware of our feelings.  One easy way is to make space during the day for a few moments of reflection and stillness.  In that space we can more easily feel into our emotional nature.  Take a moment to write down whatever arises be it sadness, frustration or excitement and anticipation for your day.  You might want to tap on this feelings or simply breathe into them to soften and dissipate them.

If you notice any resistance simple welcome it.  If you have experienced trauma or suffer from depression you might notice that certain parts of yourself feel frozen or numb.  Just noticing these parts of you and welcoming them with kindness and compassion can do much to loosen the grip these energies have on us.  Come back to  yourself a few times during the day and watch your emotional connection to yourself soften and expand.

Have a great month everyone,

Much love,

Vivianne

Welcome to summer!

Do you ever feel like you are not enough?  That somehow you should be more, have more, be different than you are?  This seems to be the malaise of our times.  Many people who come to see me feel like there is something wrong with them, or somehow not good enough or undeserving.  These beliefs often arise from our thinking minds which have had a habit of holding on to such thoughts and then repeating them over and over again e.g. I am not worthy, I am not good enough etc.  Imagine if this was your mantra everyday what would you end up believing?  Beliefs, however, are different from truth.  The truth is that we are all good enough, we are worthy and deserving of love just because we exist.  A tree does not question whether it is worthy of the rain watering it or the sun shining its light.  It receives without question.  Many of us have an idea of love that is conditional.  I will love you when …..(fill in the blanks).  So, therefore, withholding love until such a time that we or the other person meets our expectations.  Unconditional love, the love that is based on the spiritual principle that “everything is love” does not wait for conditions to change in order to offer itself.  It is a love that is not based on judgements or punishing others when they don’t give us what they want.  Above all it is generous and forgiving in nature.  When we give ourselves and others unconditional love we open the floodgates to receiving, to feeling connected and experiencing the love most of us seek.

That doesn’t mean that we necessarily accept the status quo, if we have made a mistake or we feel our lives could benefit from some positive changes. That is about learning and self-growth.  It can mean though that we create these changes from a place of acceptance and love actually easing the path for good to flow.   Beating ourselves up with self-criticism and blame creates a damn in our psyches.  A barrier to both receiving and giving.  Stagnant waters occur where we are damned up.  Remove the damn, replace it with love and  laughter and watch how the rivers of life flow to you with ease and grace.

You are enough!

Have a great month everyone,

Much love,

Vivianne

One of the main times many of us reach out to a therapist, coach or trusted friend is when life’s circumstances become intense or stressful.  We become overwhelmed emotionally and need support and assistance in processing what we are experiencing.

When faced with intense feelings there can be a tendency to want to get rid of, escape from or fix our emotions as soon as possible so we can get on with our lives.

But what if we could find a way in those moments to recognise that our emotions are just energy in motion and turn inwards to explore our inner landscape in order to restore the harmony we are seeking.

Here are six simple steps to assist in this process:

1. Create some space to listen to whatever is going on inside of you.
2. Soften and breathe into the situation that is upsetting or stressful
3. Take a few moments or write out your thoughts, reactions and beliefs e.g. Why does this always happen to me?  Or this is never going to change.Journal prompts such as: I am feeling……I am sensing……can be useful.
4. Identify the thoughts that you might believe in but may not necessarily be true. The work of Byron Katie can be very useful to assist us in this.  For example, questioning our habitual thinking “is it true that this is never going to change?” can show us where we might be buying into false assumptions keeping us stuck and scared.
5. Embracing and feeling our feelings without judgement or blame softens and dissipates them.
6. Connect to the calm and ease that is always within us when we get out of our own way!

Taking care of our emotional landscape helps to balance our mind, body and spirit.  The result is we can choose to feel peaceful and empowered to respond to life’s situations in ways that serve us and those around us.

Have a great month everyone,

Much love,

Vivianne

Hello Everyone,

Welcome to 2018!

Enthusiasm is the elevating force that lifts your dreams up to the stars.

How are you all doing this January? At the beginning of the new year, many of us are encouraged to take the time to set goals and strategies for the forthcoming year. Some people advocate making lists and resolutions and, on the internet, we can find a multitude of suggestions for how to make a resolution and stick to it As I have written on previous blogs, at this time of year, while I am sure resolutions work for some people, for many they don’t. They don’t work because these resolutions are based on concepts and sometimes conditioned or learned beliefs about what we should or should not be focusing on, and has little to do with how we feel or where our heart is leading us.

When I feel into the experiences and projects I have committed to and completed, they were mainly fueled by the same thing:” enthusiasm”. Enthusiasm seems to generate its own energy, propels us into action and will help us to stay true to course even if the road gets tough.

Consider this quote taken from www.enthousiasme.info/en/: “Enthusiasm is one of the most divine feelings we can experience. It is energy vibrating at the highest level, energy vibrating in tune with creation. When we are feeling enthusiasm, we are on the cruise ship of divinity. Enthusiasm is what lets you know that you are right on track with your life. This divine feeling of excitement is your reward for heading towards your true soul purpose”.

So this January, I invite you to feel into what you are most enthusiastic about as you begin another year. Are there any projects that are falling flat that might be best let go of, or maybe just redefined so you can feel some excitement and enthusiasm propelling you forward?

On another note, I have set up a new Facebook Page which will provide another platform for me to share more of my musings as well as books, webinars and whatever else I feel can assist us all in leading healthier and happier lives.

My monthly musing will continue as is and will also be posted on the Facebook page You can find the link to the page below. Please feel free to invite your friends and colleagues, or anyone else you think might be interested, or benefit from this Facebook group.

https://www.facebook.com/Vivianne-Bentley-PhD-1638867276341752/

As always, your comments and feedback are always welcome!!

Much love,

Vivianne

I recently participated in an online writing course and one of the participants was asking me questions about the field of Energy Psychology.  Even though this discipline has been in existence for over 20 years it seems that still little is known about it.  I was drawn to the field primarily because it seemed to be a bridge between the worlds of science and spirituality, offering practical tools that facilitated healing.

In 2005 David Feinstein, Donna Eden and Gary Craig wrote a book called “The Promise of Energy Psychology”.   This a great book for anyone wanting to learn more about Energy Psychology and new ways to facilitate emotional wellness.  In one of the chapters, the authors describe how despite the rapid results that many are experiencing, there seems to be slow acceptance in the medical field to learn more about or implement energy healing techniques in medical or professional practices.  This is despite the fact that there are now sound scientific studies supporting energy healing tools such as Emotional Freedom Technique, EMDR and other energy modalities.

So, what’s the problem?  One of the most fundamental differences between traditional psychotherapy and medical practices and the field of energy psychology stems from a difference in beliefs.  One of the main tenets of energy psychology lies in the understanding that “everything is energy”.   Consider this quote found in the book:

“The cell is a machine driven by energy.  It can thus be approached by studying matter, or by studying energy.  In every culture and in every medical tradition before ours, healing was accomplished by moving energy”
– Albert Szent-Gyorgi, Nobel Laureate in Medicine.

Therefore, if we believe that our “problem” be it medical or psychological is something that is fixed or nearly impossible to change then we approach the solution already with this kind of mind set.  If you visit a doctor, a psychiatrist or psychologist who holds this view, then they may not be open to tools or understanding of healing that might conflict with their world views.   Fortunately, though the field of medicine and psychology is changing.  Only a few short years ago, meditation was considered part of the new age movement.  Now mindfulness programs can be found in leading training hospitals and universities around the world.  Maybe energy medicine is next.

It is important to consider that there is not a one size fits all to healing and there are, of course, some conditions for which energy psychology practices may not be the best.  There is always much to learn and understand about the ways that facilitate physical and emotional wellness.  The path to healing can also be different for everyone.  Moreover, what I am considering is as new advances and scientific discoveries are made then it is up to all of us to be open and educate ourselves before closing our minds and hearts to new possibilities.  An integrative approach to our health can only benefit all.

It seems that inherent in our human nature is a part of us that may be slow and reluctant to accept new perspectives that may conflict with what we have always believed, as if we feel that our core identity might be at stake by changing our beliefs.  You know that voice that says “who am I if I challenge this belief”?  Rather than realising that, in truth, it is in the relinquishing of our old and outdated beliefs that it is possible to create ourselves anew.  This is as much true for us as individuals as it is for humanity as a whole.

Hello Everyone,

In continuing our theme of relationships this fall, I realize that one of most important aspects of creating healing loving relationships whether it be with our children, spouse or friends, is to be a safe space for others to be themselves. After all, if we come to our relationships thinking that we need to fix, rescue or change someone then at some level we are already judging the person in a certain way.

As a therapist, one of the most important aspects of my work is, in fact, to hold the space where the client can have access to all aspects of themselves. Often people come to therapy feeling there is something wrong or something to fix and they may not be in touch with their wholeness or natural brilliance where healthier choices and healing can take place. The same goes for our relationships with our children or spouses. One of the greatest lessons I have learnt as a parent is to trust that my daughter has her own innate intelligence and to listen for it rather than jumping to conclusions or feel I or someone else might know better.

None of us like to feel judged or criticized and yet sometimes we feel that this is our role in our relationships. Oftentimes, however, when we look more deeply it is possible we are also doing that to ourselves. The Buddhists call it “dropping the knife”. Our ability to create a safe place for others starts with ourselves. Do you feel safe and comfortable with your thoughts and emotions or are you engaged in any kind of self-betrayal or rejection? If you tend to judge yourself then it becomes more automatic to judge others.

This week I invite you to consider how safe you feel within yourself or as a container for others. This practice is not to correct or judge anything but moreover to bring some awareness for the kind of field you might hold for others. Just softening and breathing into our felt emotions or tensions that may arise as a result of this exercise will go a long way to ease the way. By listening to ourselves and finding compassionate ways to relate to ourselves we will naturally extend that to others.

We are all doing the best that we can!

Have a great month,
Much love,

Vivianne

Hello Everyone,

The fall always feels like a new year and with it, a doorway to many new possibilities. The days before I sit down to write my musings, there are always a multitude of topics vying for expression. I have learned to trust the process of creation, allowing whatever feels most compelling to emerge. The topic of relationships is always a popular one and probably one of the main reasons that many consult a therapist for. We have many different kinds of relationships, from our spouses, our children, family members, colleagues, our friends, the relationship we have with the divine and the relationship we have with ourselves.

Many years ago, I did a training in Hawaii on relationship communication and while I came away with many pearls from that workshop, one of the main ones was the importance of finding ways to let go of “blame” when seeking ways to improve our relationships.  Blame keeps us in stuck in a conflict. After all, while we are blaming ourselves or another there is no way to search for peaceful or constructive ways of resolving the situation. When we are blaming, it is as if we are at war. We become defensive and our hearts are closed for fear of attack.  Sometimes it is useful to consider what created the situation in the first place and if each person is taking responsibility for their part, then this can be a fruitful exercise. This is more likely to happen if you are involved in relationships where each person values love and connection over “being right”. You will know if someone is intent on being right if they continue to blame and have a hard time letting go of that dialogue.

We only need to consider all the wars around the world to recognize that blame and attack are still very much part of our culture. It is not our fault, as we have been programmed that way from early civilizations. To create more peaceful and cooperative ways to be with another, it takes all of us to realize that these old ways of operating are not working. It is time to find new ways that can foster growth, connection, and collaboration.

This month I invite you to take a relationship or situation in your life where you might be blaming yourself or another for something that happened. See if rather than blaming, you can just gently connect with any feelings or energy that arise as you bring the situation to mind. You might want to write down what is there with no judgment of doing it right or wrong. Often our tendency to blame covers up a deeper truth. Notice how your body feels in recalling the event gently embracing the sensations that may arise.

Maybe we might need to come to a place of acceptance and forgiveness.

Maybe we need to acknowledge the ways in which we do in fact tend to want to punish another or ourselves. These patterns are deep rooted so be gentle with yourself.

Choosing not to blame is a practice. It is a choice to look for peaceful and creative solutions that foster connection in our relationships rather than alienation. Try it with yourself first. If we just stop criticizing or attacking ourselves and make different choices from a more loving place, our energy will ultimately impact those around us.

Have a great week, everyone.

Much love,

Vivianne