I hope you are all keeping well while we navigate the many phases of quarantine life.

A common theme in the conversations that I have been having among clients, friends, family and online colleagues is the palpable experience of emotional ups and downs.  One day we might be enjoying the pause and feel life is generally going well and the next day we might notice that we are tired, needing to rest and feel a deep sense of overwhelm.  We might also be aware of the many mixed emotions we can encounter in any given day.   For example, we could feel grief when we watch the news or hear about the difficult life circumstances of someone, but then gratitude or joy for the sense of relief of being at home, safe and sound.  Having mixed emotions is nothing to be feared or feel wrong about.  It is part of the blessed messy human experience.  However there is a part of us that tends to like to control and categorize things into good or bad and the idea of mixed emotions can be troubling and even feel wrong.  Grief is very present right now in our society and a sense of vulnerability might just be hovering there in the background no matter how our circumstances might be.

Being with our feelings rather than running or distracting ourselves from them can be especially freeing at this time.  Feelings just want to be felt.   Whatever we might suppress or repress in ourselves has a tendency to build up and create stress and discomfort.   However if we can gently breathe and lean into whatever arises, we might find that our feelings start to dissipate and might even impart the wisdom of why they were there in the first place.  There is no need to fear our emotions.  They are like waves that come and go and eventually return to flow with the ocean that holds them.  Learning to surf with these waves can be a liberating and beautiful thing.

If you or your loved ones are needing some extra support,  I am listing some of the resources I have come across that can be especially helpful.

Resources:

The Association for Comprehensive Energy Psychology: Resources for Resilience
Heartmath Institute: Heartmath tools (listed under Resources)
Tara Brach: Facing pandemic fears with an awake heart.

Wishing you all health and very much love,

Vivianne

How are you all doing?  Never before has the phrase “we are all in this together” been more applicable.  I have been going through my own rollercoaster of emotions as I see what is happening in parts of the world, and more than ever I am grateful for the meditative, creative journaling and movement practices that keep me centered and grounded in the present moment.  We are living uncertain times.  There is a lot of fear and stress around, and it is natural that our survival instincts might get activated.   However while our fears and concerns warrant our love and attention, (sometimes they have good points), we can also choose to focus on what matters and what would best serve us during these times.  Each of us will all be affected in different ways by this crisis.  While there is much we cannot control we can also choose to focus on what we can control.  Taking care of ourselves, our loved ones,  and our surroundings can help to create safety,  calm and ease within.  Reaching out to help people that might need us or might need something creates the sense we can be part of the solution.   Using the extra time we might have to dive into a creative project or learn a new skill can bring more enjoyment into our lives.

During these times, I am continuing to work both in person and online.  Part of my practice has always been online and I have been working internationally and nationally through telephone, skype, zoom and facetime for many years.  For those of you who normally meet me online, of course, nothing will change.

If you have an in person session booked with me and would like to switch to online please let me know.  We can resume to in person sessions once this health scare is over.

For those of you who prefer to continue in person I will be following the guidelines set out by the government and the Order of Psychologists regarding social distancing.

Clients will be schedule 30 mins apart and surfaces will be sanitized after each client.  Chairs will be placed further apart.  Some clients are choosing to wear gloves and masks, that is up to you

However, If you do have to come to your appointment by public transport then it would be best that we switch to online sessions for now.

I am offering sliding scale payment arrangements for those whose finances have been affected or who have lost their insurance.  So please don’t let money be the issue preventing you from seeking help.  There are also many wonderful free resources and webinars happening right now so we don’t need to feel alone or unsupported as we are going through this.

If you have any questions, please do not hesitate to reach out.  In the meantime I am sending you all much love,

Vivianne

I recently attended a conference given by the Heartmath Institute, a wonderful organization that researches and teaches the science and value behind “heart intelligence”.   We are used to the notion that our brains have intelligences. but generally have considered that these intelligences reside in our brains not our hearts and guts.

I met a veteran at the conference who had served in Afghanistan and returned home broken and suicidal.  He was diagnosed with PTSD and had difficultly reconnecting with his wife and family.  He and his colleagues were offered an 8 week session during which they were able to practise heart math tools and learn how to establish heart coherence (when our heart, mind and emotions are in sync).  He recounted how these tools changed his life.  He now wakes up each morning and starts his day with a heart “lock in” and heart meditations.   He describes himself as “peaceful and full of joy”..

Recently Heartmath sent me a gift  This gift is a stone in the shape of the heart with the words “add heart” written across it.  It is easy to add heart to the people and things we already love in our lives, but what about the more challenging aspects of our lives.  Bringing our hearts to that which we resist can help us to soften, feel and integrate more fully our emotions around these life events

Here are some simple ways we can add heart to our daily lives

• Spend a few moments in the morning or whenever you get a chance to pause and breathe in and out through the area of the heart. Bring to your awareness someone or something you appreciate about your life and bring that quality of appreciation into your heart and your body.  You might also  radiate appreciation to those that are close to you and to the world at large.  This is called a “heart lock-in” and you can find more about this meditation on youtube or the Heatmath website
• Think about someone, could be close to you or an organization, or some challenge you are dealing with.. Take a deep breath and feel into fully what is going on for you around this situation..  Add heart to any resistance embracing your fears, worries and emotions.
• Take an inventory into different areas of your life e.g. health, finances, family and consider what your heart might say about each of these areas. Are you making your decisions based on your “thinking” mind or are your following the intuitive guidance of your heart?
• Practising staying connected to your heart and following its guidance will strengthen your trust in this guidance system. We say that the brain “thinks” yet the heart “knows”.  Trusting that inner knowing and acting from it despite what logic or other people might say takes courage and practice.
• For those of you who enjoy technology, the Heartmath organization has an app and a sensor you can buy to tune in and bring yourself into heart coherence at any moment.

So my wonderful friends, this holiday season I invite you to remember to add heart on a daily basis extending it most importantly to yourself, holding yourself in love and self-compassion.  The spirit of Xmas is love and presence and those are the best gifts of all.

For more information about the science of the heart and ways to “add heart” visit www.heartmath.com

I love and appreciate you all for being part of my community and allowing me to express myself through you.  I receive many gifts from each of you and I hope you have from me.

Much love,

Vivianne

Welcome to my fall musing!

How are you all doing in this new season with cooler temperatures coupled with political turmoil!!  Change of any kind can evoke all kinds of thoughts and feelings.  Many of us experience discomfort in the face of change.  And yet what we know for certain is that life is full of change. Early Buddhism declares that there is nothing that is fixed or permanent.  Life is continuously changing and so are we.

Our ability to handle change and transitions can allow us to become adaptive and resilient.  However many of us live in resistance to change and that can feel like we are living life with the breaks on rather than letting go of the control.  Living life fully can be easier if we are willing to give up the control and allow ourselves to move through transitions as if change is on our side.

Tips to handle change

1. Acknowledge the thoughts and feelings that are arising without judgement.  Notice where they are housed in your body (include sensations) and you might want to rate them from 1 to 10.  Accepting what is there is an important first step.
2. Notice if you have a “story” running about the change that is happening.  Are we holding negative outcomes without really knowing what the future holds or is there a place for us to be open to possibilities and trust in life’s unfolding   Being honest about our perspective can help enormously.   Shifting our fears is sometimes just a thought away.   But it requires us to turn towards the fear, acknowledge it and then choose another way of seeing things.  Running from our feelings or avoiding the difficult ones is never the answer.

   You might be aware of a lot of mixed feelings and there is no need to rush through this step.  Slow down, breathe and take your time to acknowledge your experience.   For example, although not essential, grief can be a natural part of any change, even if the change seems exciting and full of promise.  Share your feelings with someone who can hold space for you without trying to fix or give advice.

3. Journaling can be a helpful tool to give voice to our emotions  Or if you don’t have time to journal just write a list of all that you are feeling.  You can gently tap on the collar bone (one of the energy points used in Emotional Freedom Technique) while doing this which can allow the emotions and energy to dissipate.
4. Take some deep breaths by lengthening the exhale that can signal calmness and safety to our nervous system.  Allow your body to guide your activities and decisions.
5. If the transition or change you are faced with seems overwhelming, you might want to reach out for support or find a trusted person to hold space for you.  Be gentle with yourself some transitions are easier than others to navigate.

As always, if you have any questions, I am always happy to hear from you

In the meantime, much love,

Vivianne

“What is the most generous assumption you can make about a person’s intentions.” Brene Brown”

While I learnt many things in my years of studying I think one of the most useful has been the notion of hypothesis testing.  Probably many of you have studied research methods or the scientific enquiry and have had an opportunity to generate hypotheses around a particular topic.  It is the scientific way to methodically test out our assumptions and get closer to the truth.

Our mind is filled with many thoughts and stories.  In any given moment, some of them may have to do with our experience and our life and many may not.  They may be coming from other people, or even from our ancestors.  Trying to figure out what is true and what is not can be a daunting experience.  The good things is we actually don’t need to hypothesis test each thought and belief.  The main thing is not get caught up in believing that the mind knows the truth about a situation.

Unfortunately, our brains’ have a tendency to register negative experiences more than pleasant experiences. (Kendra Cherry, 2019; Gillian Leithman, 2019).  This psychological phenomenon explains why, in our human relationships, past traumas can have such long lasting effects and that when we have had a negative interaction with someone we might remember it longer than a pleasant one.  Brene Brown calls our tendency to jump to a worst case scenario a “shitty first draft”.    You know that draft that you write first and then rewrite and rewrite.  Often the finished product looks very different from that first draft.  Well same thing with the mind.  So what are some of the ways we can handle our minds ‘ negative bias and its tendency to jump to conclusions.

1. The first step would be to take a moment to focus on the heart or the breath to quiet the mind. From this place we can ask ourselves “Is what I am thinking true?”
2. Taking it a step further we could ask, “How do I know it is true”
3. How else can I see this situation? What else is possible here? This is where we might want to generate other hypotheses.
4. Understand that sometimes you might get an inner knowing as to what is true and other times you just won’t know. Become more comfortable in the not knowing without the need to come to hasty conclusions.
5. If it feels possible check out your assumption with the person involved.

Another great resource for this kind of enquiry is Byron Katie and her school “The Work”.

If you have any questions, as always, please feel free to email me.

Have a great month everyone.

Much love,

Vivianne

This month as nature blossoms all around us, it invites us to shrug off our winter skin and melt into the beauty of life itself.  To ease our path in this, the topic I have chosen to explore this month is “Embodiment”.  Embodiment has become a popular term in the field of Somatic Psychology.  So, what is embodiment?

“Embodiment is the practice of attending to your sensations. Awareness of your body serves as a guiding compass to help you feel more in charge of the course of your life. Somatic awareness provides a foundation for empathy, helps you make healthy decisions, and gives important feedback about your relationships with others. Embodiment in somatic psychology applies mindfulness and movement practices to awaken body awareness as a tool for healing.”
-Dr. Arielle Schwartz

The shadow aspect of embodiment is a feeling of being dissociated or disconnected.  Mild dissociation can occur when we have been watching tv or on the computer for lengthy periods of time.  In simple terms dissociation is a sense of not being connected to the here and now.

Dissociation occurs most often as a result of difficult traumatic life experiences such as physical and/or sexual abuse.   Dissociation can also occur at the time of an accident e.g. car, bike, ski.  However, we can also dissociate in any circumstances that might feel threatening to us; such as parents fighting or yelling at us when we are very small.   In many situations, dissociation is considered an adaptive mechanism to prevent us from having to feel the full force of the pain or overwhelming emotions at the time of a trauma.

However, what is less adaptive is the fact that we remained dissociated long after the event occurs and so can feel numb or spaced out. We can also find ourselves triggered later in life by similar life events causing us to flee or freeze making it harder to deal with our relationships and our lives.  For example, if as a child you were sensitive to other people’s angry or rejecting behaviour, later in life if someone gets angry it can take you back to that disconnected state.  Instead of speaking up or engaging in solutions that might ease the situation we might have a tendency to withdraw and shy away from confrontation even though the current situation may be workable.  Coming back into the here and now, feeling safe in our bodies and our lives is the work and process of integrating traumatic memories.

For many years the body was left out of psychological conversations.  The emphasis was on mental and emotional processes.  However, from a holistic perspective everything we experience is imprinted on a physical and cellular level which is why it is important that in integrating life’s experiences we include our whole selves in the process.

So how can we gently bring ourselves back into our bodies and into the here and now.

1. Any grounding techniques such as walking barefoot on the grass or earth.
   Just being aware of our feet and wiggling our toes brings our energy down towards the earth.  A great visual cue is to imagine yourself as a tree.  A tree stands tall reaching up towards the sky and also is deeply rooted down towards the earth.

2. Breathe into the core of the body gently softening into any sensations that may be arising.
3.   Try shaking each part of your body gently starting with the legs and working up until you get to a whole-body shake. Helps release tension and rigidity.
4. Put on some music and allow your body to move in any way it is wanting to move.
5. Listen to your body. What might it be communicating to you?  Express whatever you sense might be preventing you from being at home in the here and now.  For example, it could be worry, overthinking or trying too hard to fix something.   Journal, shout it out, use tapping, whatever is calling you to feel more connected to yourself and the flow of life

The emphasis in embodiment practices is on following feelings and sensations rather than following thoughts.  No judgement though; this is not a right or wrong practice.   This is about feeling good in our skin.  The result is that we live our lives experiencing everything from a richer and more sensual and expansive place.  Try noticing when you eat your food.   Consider the difference when you might be distracted and thinking about something or when you are enjoying and savoring the food.    Same thing could be for other things we enjoy like being with our loved ones or making love.  If we are in our heads rather than in our bodies we may be missing out on the full richness of our lives.

As always if you have any questions or comments, please feel free to contact me.

Meanwhile have a great month everyone.

Much love,

Vivianne

How are you all doing?  This is one of my favourite times of year.  Even though we still have snow on the ground, it feels like spring is very close by.  The days are longer.  I can see buds on the trees and shrubs outside my home.  Birds have returned to the trees basking in the warmer sunlight and air.

In my last musing, we explored the importance of cultivating safe relationships in our lives.  You know the ones!  The ones where it is safe to show up as our messy, imperfect, creative selves and where we are appreciated rather than judged for who we are.  This musing I wanted to look at a related subject: boundary setting.

The topic of boundaries in relationships is an important one.  Knowing our limits and being able to communicate and negotiate differing opinions, agendas etc. can be challenging and is an ongoing practice.  Sometimes setting a boundary is easy and natural.  We are busy and can’t do something so it is an easy no.  Other times it becomes more complicated, especially in the relationships close to us.

If you have experienced any kind of trauma e.g. harsh punishment from a parent or authority figure you might have learnt at a very young age that it is not ok to express your needs.   Or you may find yourself confused as to what your rights actually are.  When faced with boundary violations as an adult you may feel overwhelmed and exhausted as you struggle to identify how you truly feel about a situation.  Please have compassion for yourself in that process and take the time you need to gain clarity.  It might be necessary for you to give yourself permission to care for yourself in that way.  At times it might not be clear if you want to say yes or no to something.  You might have even agreed to something and find later you feel that you agreed to something that you now regret.  If this is the case, it is often not too late to go back and reconsider the agreement.

Some points of reflection:

• Do you know your yes’s and your nos?
• Tune into your body and the myriad of feelings.
• Are you comfortable disappointing another?
• Are you able to express how you feel directly?
• Do you give yourself permission to find a solution that includes you?
• How do you feel when others set boundaries with you?  Do you respect how they feel or take it personally?

If you are not sure how you feel about a particular situation, take the time to tune into your feelings.  That may require journaling or talking it through with a friend or trusted mentor.  Life is not always black and white and especially in the realm of relationships there are many different ways of perceiving things.  You might also find yourself wanting to please someone. E.g. they want to go to an expensive concert but you don’t want to spend the money on that activity.

Boundaries are not meant to prevent care between you and another.  They are mostly intended as a communication tool and helps to let everyone know where they stand.  Boundaries do not need to be rigid and work best when there is flexibility.  I might agree to something in one set of circumstances but not be able to agree to it in another.  In that way we can take the time to consider all the information.

Being able to set a boundary is not the same as putting up a barrier.  When we put up a barrier between ourselves and the other person, we are probably shutting someone out.  In these scenarios we close our hearts and become defensive.  We might then find ourselves afraid.  When we can set a boundary there is no need for defense.  We can communicate from a clear and loving place where we are taking care of ourselves and the other person by communicating authentically.

Be gentle with yourself as you explore this topic and how it relates to your life.  Even if you are generally great at setting boundaries and communicating, some circumstances might come up where you might be pressed to find a solution that works for all.  Trust that if the answer does not come right away that there is a way even if it is not fully formed right now.  Sometimes we need to let go a bit and let life bring us its wisdom.

Have a great month everyone,

Much love,

Vivianne

So here we are well into the winter months in the northern hemisphere and with the season comes energies that tend to bring us inward, down deep within ourselves. You might find yourself wanting to spend some time in reflective practices such as journaling or enjoying the stillness of nature. Or you may find yourself craving activities that keep you warm and cozy. Our bodies can often lead the way. Listening to ourselves and what we might need in any given day is a beautiful practice.

We may also become more aware of many emotions surfacing to be acknowledged and integrated. Some of these feelings could feel rather intense at times. One tip to handle this experience is simply to take a few moments just to write down all the feelings you might be aware of bringing compassion and appreciation for yourself in that moment. If you have experienced any kind of developmental or adult trauma these thoughts and emotions can feel particularly overwhelming and confusing, therefore, it is important to take the time to slow down, breathe and come into the present moment experience: welcoming everything, including the sensations you might feel in the body. Even a few moments of this type of practice can shift our whole being into more coherence.

We know from the attachment and trauma literature that one of the most important things we can do for ourselves Is to choose and create emotionally safe relationships and environments where we can express and be ourselves without fear of judgement.

Many of you might already be aware of people in your life with whom you can feel safe and able to share your vulnerabilities and messiness. if you are not, then I invite you to take the time to think about those who can hold that safe space for you. These safe relationships can feel wonderful and tremendously healing for all concerned.

However, what is less talked about is the need to create a sense of safety within ourselves. This is especially important when faced with someone else’s judgement. Can you easily let yourself be ok with what is? Or when we are feeling triggered and having a difficult day is there a tendency to become defensive or attack ourselves with harsh critical words. Or maybe our minds might start wanting to go into comparison. This kind of inner dialogue can happen quickly and unchecked tends to close ourselves off from the mystery and the magic of life as it unfolds. The mind has many opinions, however, it does not mean it is “the Truth”, the problem lies in believing it is. A resource I really love and one you might find very helpful is an article that can be found on Miranda Macpherson’s website: “The power of defenselessness”.

So this February, I invite you to hold yourself and others in a space of unconditional love and acceptance. It does not mean we need to be perfect to allow that to happen. Nor does it mean that we abandon ourselves when we need to speak up or stand our ground. However, it is in our most challenging moments that acceptance and forgiveness for our humanness is often what is most needed. I do believe we are all doing the best we can even when it might not seem like that!! I leave you with these words from one my favorite mentors:

“Remember you did not come here to be normal, you came here to be you”
Robert Holden

Much love,

Vivianne

Happy New Year and welcome to 2019.

“True happiness is being faithful to your true nature. The better you know yourself—what it is you love, what inspires you, what you are made of—the happier you will be.”
Robert Holden

What do you love? How do you love? How do you protect that which you love?.

Earlier on in my life I did not know how it would feel to experience and create a life that I loved. I did not know myself well enough to know what I loved and what in life really moved and touched me. I thought love was something one experienced outside of oneself. In therapy and through other explorations, I started to connect with my true self and begun to make choices based on an inner compass rather than on what I thought I ought to be doing. I saw that just by making simple shifts to saying yes to some things and no to others that my quality of life improved.

We live in a world where there are many distractions that can steer us away from connecting to our lives from a place of heart and authentic expression. If we let our minds rather than our hearts lead the way we can come up with rather a long list of shoulds and demands of what our lives are supposed to be like.

The beginning of the year offers an opportunity for a reset. A chance to rededicate ourselves to that which we know truly matters and what we most want to cherish and protect. Many studies have found that the most single important indicator of life satisfaction is found when we follow our joy. However “joy” is not always about lofty goals and ideals. Sometimes “joy” can be found in the way we show up and connect to the present moment.

For example, simply starting my day with a short meditation and taking care of my inner experience of life can have tremendous impact on how I feel and how my day unfolds. Some of our loves might show up on a more social and global level. I am especially inspired by nature and love water in all its shapes and forms. I love being by water and in the water. I love what water represents, i.e. flow, emotions, the essence of life itself. In the past year, I felt moved to consider ways to get more involved in protecting the earth’s water. I found some beautiful organizations to collaborate with and contribute to in a way that is allowing me to protect something that I love.

So this month, I invite you to ponder, what do you love, are you engaged in what you love and how do you protect more that which you love? And maybe most importantly, are you expressing the love that you already are!!

If you are wondering how to live your life with more heart, you might want to check out the Heart Math Institute website. A great resource for living from the heart.

Have a great month everyone.

With much love,

Vivianne

“You are not a project to be solved.  You are a mystery coming into form”
Licata, M.

Many branches of medicine, neuroscience, psychology are coming to the same conclusions that it is our unprocessed trauma (i.e. blocked energies and emotions) that are underlying many diseases and our mental and emotional health.  This unhealed trauma can easily get in the way of us fully stepping into our lives.  It can also create tension, stress and chronic pain in our bodies as we go about our daily lives.  Thus there are many processes and practices which have arisen over the last decade to help us to work with experiences that may feel traumatic.

One of the common misunderstandings in our conversations about trauma is that it is something to be “fixed”, “controlled” or “gotten rid of”.   However in this mode it seems that we are at war with our lives and ourselves.  While our minds might like the idea that there is something out there that we can use to “get rid” of life’s more painful experiences, true healing is more a working through and an integration process where our more challenging and painful experiences are welcomed and embraced as part of the sumptuous mosaic we call life.  Fully experiencing and welcoming what happened to us can serve to dissolve painful memories freeing up our energies from the past.  This is an important concept for us to embrace and engage with as it fundamentally changes the way we relate to our experiences and those around us.  “Many times it is not what happened to us but how we hold the experience afterwards.” Kipp, M.

Our minds like to judge things as good and bad.  For example, I like this experience, I don’t like this one.  However, life is made up of many different kind of experiences and compartmentalising them in this way negates their worth or value.  If we consider ourselves as a symphony then no one instrument is better than another.  It is when all are played in harmony that beautiful music can be  heard.

So I invite you to welcome all the parts of you.  All the feelings that you might judge as bad or unwanted and welcome them into the circle.  Be present with them and attend to them as you would a precious child.  Holding these feelings and experiences with tenderness and compassion allows us to have a loving relationship with ourselves and our lives.  It is easier to surrender the past when we have made peace with it.  You do not need to be worthy to have a great life, all you need is to be present with it and let something greater do the rest.

Wishing you all a wonderful holiday season!

Much love,

Vivianne